In the Middle of the Night

In the middle of the night
Under broken moonbeams
when I start in on my broken dreams
I dream of sugarplums.
Naw, damn sugarplums
I dream of broken bums
With bent backs
Begging for change.
Yeah we can all use change.
Change is good
Change comes in time
Time waits for no man
Or woman.
Time heals all wounds
And this too shall pass
These bent back broken bums
Shall pass
Over streets with broken glass
And piss,
Looking like gold runneth over
These streets
Mirages only camouflage the pain
Until the rain washes away the exterior.
And you can tell God
To kiss my posterior
Because it ain’t never gonna get any better
Before it gets worse
And even in the middle of the storm
I know it’s gonna get worse
And even on sunshiny days
With cumulus clouds
I know it’s gonna get worse.
The storm’s coming
It’s gonna rain on your head
But when you run outside on the concrete to watch it
Wash everything away
Just avoid the broken glass and piss
And come inside before you give up
And become another bent and broken bum
Who dreams under the comfort and the care
Of broken moonbeams.

The Champagne Room

     I feel like…I haven’t been on a date in quite some time. The fact that I can’t exactly remember when it was tells me that it’s been an extremely long time. That’s sad. Let me think. I vaguely recall escorting a young lady to see the Spongebob Squarepants movie when it came out, umm, last year was it?
     Umm, a 2nd reading of that first paragraph tells me that I need to clarify that statement. I went out with a woman of legal age to see the Spongebob Squarepants movie. I don’t want to be facing confirmation hearings somewhere down the line and wind up in the Spanish Inquisition:

Senator: Isn’t it true that you like young women?
Me: Of course not.
Senator: Is it or is it not a fact that you went to the theaters to see Spongebob Squarepants movie?
Me: I can explain that…
Senator: Did you or did you not?
Me: Sigh. I did.
Senator: Did you go alone?
Me: I did not. But.
Senator: SO YOU DID GO WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL? YOU ARE A PERVERT!
Me: NOOOO!
Senator: Take this nasty nigga away.

Yeah it just wouldn’t go too well.
     Anyway, my lack of a social life makes me wonder. I’m reasonably attractive, fairly charming, slightly awkward but still, overall I’m kewl. See how I spelled that? That means I’m really cool. It’s just that it’s an understated sense of cool. Doesn’t necessarily stand out in the midst of a crowd.
     So why don’t I date? I dunno. I do stay busy. I mean, I’m at the tail end of a 50 hour work week right now, and I have finals coming up in less than 72 hours. And yet, I feel like there are people with similar schedules. What is it that people do anyway? I can’t dance, so no…..no clubs. Unless it’s Lulu’s. But then, I only go there for the drinks, and I can get drunk in my room. Probably not as cheaply though.
     Movies? It’s become cliché as a date. And besides, I have the urge to go see a movie at random times on random days. I never plan ahead. And I don’t know anyone who clicks with that kind of schedule. Besides, some of the random movies I’ve picked have made me cry, and no, crying is not what women want to see on a first date. Or any date. No matter what Cosmo and Elle would have you believe.
     Umm, hockey games? That could work. Especially now that, uh, there is again a hockey season. Didn’t work too well when there were no hockey games. Now, perhaps. But who would “I” take to a hockey game? Contrary to popular opinion, Ray does not run a brothel. He doesn’t even run a 7-11. He runs Carver Hall, an all male dormitory. This means that the list of available Date-A-Mates grows smaller by the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m boring. I put myself to sleep to be honest. I have about the least interesting life that I know of. Besides, black women by and large are not sitting by their phones waiting for an invite to a hockey game, or dreaming about the practical effects of the NHL rule changes on the pace of the game. Women besides black women? I don’t even know any anymore. Damn sheltered environment.

     What did I learn earlier today, reading Esquire? “Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the cake.” Where the eff does that leave me? I know where. Cake-less. Having no cake. 2nd year law student and I can’t even find a dinner companion. Back to the books.

In The Mix

Because yes, if I was a Mafia boss, and my life and the lives of my family members were threatened, I would indeed hire a bodyguard to protect their lives. And that bodyguard would probably be Usher, who apparently is the greatest club DJ ever, and naturally skilled at protecting the lives of young nubile Italian women. I completely understand now. Yes. Because we all know that when the Italian Mafia is in trouble, they turn to their black brethren. And when the two fall in love, as they inevitably will, it’s going to be A-OK with everyone involved. Of course.

Of Bubbles & Thumbtacks

Sometimes it’s a little too hard to balance law school and a personal life. Actually, it’s damn near impossible. One of them always has to suffer. For a while, it was law school. I mean, all we have are finals, so I can miss a little in the middle, right? (hey that kinda rhymes).

I’m a stickler for a tickler.
Stickler tickler stickler tickler stickler tickler

Anyway, psychotic episode having passed (temporarily) I’m still back at my original quandary. What does one do when one only has 7 days of classes left, 4 finals to study for, and is about to start 2 jobs? Let’s see:
(7 days + 4 finals)/ 2 jobs = pretty close to screwed.
And not in the way I like.

Beverly Hills, that’s where I want to be…living in Beverly Hills.

And while I feel sympathetic for the passing of certain cuniculae, there’s nothing I can do at the moment. But such is life. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.

When a Heart Grows Cold...

When a heart grows cold, and dies,
No one mourns for it.
No one misses the beating
Because hearts appear to be fleeting
And one stands out, not so much.
And yet,
The world itself grows colder
As the world itself grows older,
And one finds out that truths are lies
As another heart grows cold, and dies.

Overheard

You see a lot of things at the bus stop. Old men walking around in fishnet shirts, fashionable metrosexuals in camouflage pants and bright pink shirts, and an assortment of odds and ends that come together at this nexus of national trail ways. What amuses me most, however, is the up and coming rapper. In between samples from his forthcoming, as yet unnamed album, he name drops his patrons and proclaims himself the new scion of hip hop. ”I’m sick and tired of JUELZ SANTANA always bothering me” is but one example. “Camron is always on me yo, he be like ‘Yo, come up here and finish the album B.’'' He says to the full figured woman behind him, apparently the centerpiece of his entourage. As it happens, I miss my bus to Philly and I have to stay here in the terminal for the next 2 hours. As it further happens, the only open seat is next to Scion. Scion spends the next 20 minutes asking everyone if they have a cigarette, while his plus sized entourage casually eats a ho-ho. 

The Ray Ward Hot Dog Argument

It seems to be more of an existentialist argument; that is, a Faustian bargain, perpetuated by our collective Jungian unconsciousness, to ensure that we as a people are never quite fulfilled, never quite manage to grasp all that we desire at once, and therefore to secure, the illusion at least, of eternal optimism and youth. Were we to have an equal share of everything we could want, we would most assuredly perish an ignoble death, our thirst for that little something extra having been slaked, our philosophical hunger more than satiated and our knowledge of our place on this planet a little too self-assured. For is it not the belief that we do not quite know where we are as a people that perpetuates progress? Since we do not know where we are, we feel challenged to move on, to go farther, until we find the answer. Once we have it, once there are no more riddles to solve and once there are no questions to ponder and once we are confident and content with our existence, there will be no more moving to do. Once there is no moving to do we die, because this life, and the next, is a journey, not a destination and reaching the end means meeting the end in all the ways that the end can be met. And that is why hot dogs come in packs of eight and hot dog buns come in packs of six.

Of Sunny Days

Sometimes I lie
on my back in the
grassy fields and
stare at the clouds until
they begin to look like
bunnies, and just hop
away.
Just leaving me to feel
the naked rays of
Sunshine,
leaving me to feel
the green grass
growing
beneath me,
leaving me
Alone.

From a Photo Album

I.
You can tell it’s been a long day.
She sleeps so still that if I didn’t
Know any better
I might question how real she is.
Or how real I am.
There’s no telling how long it will be
Until she awakens
So I hold my breath in consideration
Of her quiet time.
Because it’s going to be a long night,
Though I’d rather she wake up soon
Because it’s my bed.

II.
I’m not asleep,
But I lay here with heavy hands
And tired eyes
To see if he’ll slip up and say
Something.
It’s always worked before…
He’s not talking. I’ll just
Pout a little so he’ll look
At me more
And realize I’m dreaming of
Him…
He’s still not saying anything
And I’ve been lying here so long
That my eyes really do feel heavy
And my body has never been so
Comfortable.
It doesn’t matter anyway.
I’ll see him when I wake up.
This is his bed.

What I remember is

What I remember is
being cold and hungry,
starved for attention.

She made me remember life
From butterfly kisses
To wishing well wishes
And everything in between.
With her, there were no limits,
No highs and lows
No frozen toes in the winter because
My feet stuck out past the covers.
I loved her with such passion
That it felt like forever.
I mean, I even wrote her letters
That I never, ever sent.
I read them from my window
And she would just pretend,
Even though I was right there,
That she couldn’t hear me.
I just read my letters louder.
I was screaming love from
Across the way, until one day
I was just talking to myself.
     And the thing of it is,
After the butterfly kisses
And wishing well wishes,
Between diamond rings
And things said at night
From one window to another,
I learned that loving her was pain.
So I forgot again.

What Love Is

Love is such a tissue of paradoxes, and exists in such an endless variety of forms and shades, that you may say almost anything about it that you please, and it is likely to be correct. If that is true then I will say this: the paradox of love is that it is the highest degree of awareness of the self as a person and the highest degree of absorption in the other. It is because this is true that it hurts so badly to know that she is gone forever. In loving her, I found myself. I never truly knew how she felt because I never asked. It didn’t matter. I loved enough for the both of us. And now, now that it was said and done, I still loved her, the difference now that love was the last thing that remained of her. And with that, I drove into the sunset.  

Common Sense

Obscure recollections of indiscretions
clouded by the haze in nightclubs
The rush fantastic
High heeled dreams in every corner
singing their siren's song.
"Can you buy a lady a drink?"
I think not,
for I've been down that road before
wound up on dusty floors
making love to red lipstick
and cheap peach perfume.
I've tried to leave the life behind
but I have obscure recollections
of indiscretions
clouded by the haze in nightclubs
and I keep going back for more.

Test

I utter the writer's credo: That everything here is fiction. That nothing is reflective of what it is, what I want it to be, who I want it to be with, and so on and so forth.